Abandoned..., but Saved!

The final exam was just finished. It was a very important exam. The result would determine if a student could graduate from the elementary level. And not just that, performing well in this exam would also mean a better chance of being accepted into a good junior high school. I had studied hard for the past one month to make sure I could pass with good grades. The four-day exam was long enough to make my brain spinning and burning. Imagine the joy and relief I had when it was over. What a happy day! I could hear birds chirping (only in my head, because even birds don't chirp in Jakarta) along the way from school to home. All was well... until Rick broke the news.

"Look, I have signed you up for a church's youth retreat. Everything has been taken care of. You just have to pack your stuff and go in two weeks. Oh, by the way, I don't take 'no' as an answer.", said Rick adamantly.

His statement was like thunder in the sky; my sunny day was suddenly turned cloudy... then rainy. I was shocked and feeling threatened. No words came out of my mouth - but deep inside my heart was revolting and my mind shouting, "What the heck?! Why must I go? I am not a church person!"

All my life, I had never been to a church. Well, perhaps once. As far as I remember, my parents took me to a Christmas service once. That was it! Dad and Mom were not churchgoers. They didn't see the need of going to church or taking spiritual life seriously. God was never mentioned in my family, except in cusswords. Dad believed in doing good, not God. His "spiritual" advice to me was always about doing good to other people - and my life would be rewarded someday. Mom, on the contrary, never expressed what she believed. School, although they taught a subject on religion, didn't help either. Religion was just like History or Sociology; something to be memorized, but had no relevance to daily life. Because of the way I was brought up, words like "God", "church", or "spiritual life" sounded foreign to my ear. It was all the reason I resisted to go to a youth retreat. Five days of brainwashing, isolated somewhere in the mountain, with a pack of strange kids, talking about nonsense! Absolutely ludicrous! Though very upset, I was too afraid to say 'no' to Rick!

Wait! Before I continue, let me introduce Rick. He is my close cousin. Yes, we are cousins from our mother's side and also father's side. He is nine years older than me. Rick and I have an almost similar family situation. Divorced parents, step-parents, left alone by parents - a shattered dysfunctional family! I became to know him more closely when we lived together with our grandparents. He had lived there much longer, about six years before I moved into that full house. He has a manly look. Short hair, scruffy face with a mustache, hairy arms and legs. Girls like him. Not just because his bad boy look, but also because he is funny and musically talented. The first few months living with Rick was like hell. He loved to pull a prank on me. The most annoying one was his night pranks. In the middle of the night, I used to have "the urge" to go to the bathroom. Half-asleep I would drag myself from my room to the one and only bathroom downstairs. After I was done and switched off the bathroom light, I would have to find my way back to the stairs, since my eyes would have to adjust to the dark. And Rick, hiding somewhere, would suddenly make a creepy sound, or throw something at me, or even jump in front of me. That would give me trouble to sleep again! He always came up with a crazier idea every night no matter how careful I was trying to be.

Despite Rick's crazy behavior, he is actually gentle at heart. He was the one who helped Grandma taking care of the other children. Rick had been a big brother I never had. He always pushed me to perform better at school. He had been my back-patter whenever I did something well. For all of the children living in that house, Rick was the tie-that-binds. Almost every night, he would gather us all in the so-called living room. Accompanied by the strum of his guitar, we all would sing together. When we didn't feel like singing, we would play games or share stories. Moments like that had been our euphoria to forget our life's pain and misery. It was a blessing to have Rick in this family. Apart from family and school life, Rick was also busy with church activities. He played guitar, bass, or drums for the band. At the same time, he was one of the leaders in the youth ministry. Perhaps, his involvement with the youth ministry compelled him to force me to go to their retreat.

Now back to my original story... A couple weeks later, I was sitting in a bus with all these strangers. Next to me was Angela, my other cousin (I will tell her story another time). Rick made her go, too! Lucky me, at least I knew two people in that bus. I made that statement too soon, because the outgoing Angela was already making new friends in a matter of minutes. While she was talking to her new friends and Rick entertaining other people with his guitar, I was just staring at the window - feeling trapped and lonely. All of the sudden, a head popped up from the back seat. It was one of the youth leaders. A friendly and warmhearted guy. He started talking to me and also introduced me to other kids in the bus. Apparently, these people were all nice. They were different from what I thought they would be. I started to enjoy the time. Talking, laughing, and singing with my new friends made the two-hour trip feel short.

The bus arrived at the retreat center about an hour late, due to the bad traffic. Nobody complained, though. Either all of us were having so much fun in the bus or we were just used to the congestion. When I got off the bus, fresh mountain air flowed into my lungs. Green trees and blue hills spruced up my tired eyes. I promised myself to appreciate every moment while I was there, in the mountain. I grabbed my duffel bag and walked with the other kids to the main hall. We prayed (actually, they prayed because I was only closing my eyes), played some games, and sang a few more songs - a lot of new songs for me to pick up. Then we were divided into groups. Each group would share a room and would always stay together in every activity. Two leaders were assigned to my group (too bad, it wasn't that friendly guy I met in the bus). The room we shared had four beds inside. And there were seven of us, including the leaders. Now, do the math! Sharing beds wasn't a bad idea at all. We were up in the mountain. The night was cold and the room had no heater, no fireplace, and definitely, no down comforter. Only thin old blankets were provided. Beyond any doubt, we could use some body heat!

The five-day retreat was filled up with many activities. Every day was a long day. Our morning began at 6AM and our night ended at 11PM. We had to get up earlier to take turn on using the bathroom. Right after everyone was ready, we had a group (not-so) quiet time with our leaders. Basically, we read a passage from the Bible and then discussed it together. We had three big meals and two snack times each day. The activities were varied from playing games, singing, and of course, learning from the Bible. Each speaker would teach us a lesson from the Bible. For a newbie like me, finding a verse in the Bible was quite challenging.

I always got nervous, "Matt who? How come this book has so many funny names inside?"

It turned out that the whole retreat was about friendship. I was intrigued when the speaker said that there was a true friend - someone who would never leave me no matter what. I paid full attention to each lesson to find out more about this friend. Lesson by lesson, from one speaker to another, everyone was talking about something related to friendship. Until in one lesson, one speaker mentioned that the true friend was Jesus. It startled me for a moment. I heard of this Jesus many times, especially around Christmas. He was the baby who lied down in a box, surrounded by sheep, donkeys, cows, a woman, and some men wearing dresses.

"But, who is this Jesus?", my mind couldn't stop wondering. "I don't see him in this room. Is he for real? Or is it only a mind trick these people trying to play on me?"

Question upon question bombarded my head. I was torn inside! One side rejected the idea of Jesus while the other side was very curious to know more about him. This could be my one and only opportunity to have a true friend - a lifelong friendship that I had been longing for.

Later in the last night of the retreat, the message finally hit me. God created me to be his friend, but I chose to betray him by doing things my way. It was called sin. Little that I knew, sin was fatal; not only I lost my relationship with God, but I was also condemned to pay its wage: eternal death! One big problem, though, I couldn't pay the wage myself. I had to die to pay it off. But, what good would it do if I already died? God, in his love, didn't want to lose me. So he sent Jesus, his son, to redeem me from my debt. Jesus had to leave all his glory in heaven and became like me, a mere human. When Jesus was on earth, he lived a sinless life. He healed the sick, he restored the broken, and gave hope to the abandoned (just like me!). Yet, many rejected and even hated him, too. They saw him as a threat instead of a savior. So, they set him up, tortured and crucified him. His death paid off my sins! Jesus took my place, went through an unimaginable agony and finally died. But that was not the end! On the third day, he rose from dead. He then showed himself to many people as a living proof that neither sin nor death had any power over his people.

While digesting the message, a series of discomforting images started playing in my head. An image of how I became an alcoholic by the age of ten. Another image of me punching a boy's face over and over with no mercy at school. Another showed me the time when I stole money from Grandpa. One image came after another, and my face turned pale when I saw me wishing my parents were dead. How I blamed them for all the misery in my life. My soul was filled with rage, revenge, and all evil thoughts. No wonder God couldn't be my friend. He knew me inside out. If I knew someone like me, I wouldn't be his friend, either. But, that night, I was offered a second chance. A chance to be redeemed. Free from all wicked things that pulled me down. A chance to live life as God's friend. All I needed to say was this simple prayer: "I am sorry for my sins. I accept you, Jesus, as my Redeemer. And now I give my life to you"

Right after whispering that simple prayer, an electric jolt tingled my body. I felt something unusual. No, it wasn't scary at all. On the other hand, it was calming yet delightful. I felt peaceful. A peace that I had never experienced before. Tears started rolling down my cheeks. I cried for all the bad things I ever did, for all the wicked plans I ever thought of, and for all the people I ever hurt. The air must have been loaded with love and forgiveness, because the more I breathed the more I wanted to love people. With unuttered words, I braced myself to forgive my parents. My heart made a little promise before God to love them. My parents were just confused people, who didn't really understand what they had done to me. If God could forgive an evil person like me, I would surely be able to forgive my parents. Tears flowing uncontrollably, heart beating excitedly, but deep within... my soul had finally found its resting place.

A boy filled with fury and hatred died on June 15, 1985. But, a loving and gentle one was born in return.

That one unforgettable night has turned my life upside down. Life has never been the same. The promise of a lifelong friendship has become a reality. I have never been alone again. A new chapter has... NO!, a new BOOK has begun. Abandoned..., but saved!



While I am writing this story my heart cries for Rick. Later in his life, Rick met a woman from a different faith. To marry her, he had to deny his faith in Jesus and accept her belief as the way of salvation. He is now following that belief, and at the same time, he also practices paranormal activities. Rick is now a different person. I pray that one day he will realize that he is going down the wrong path. I am looking forward to the day when Rick will again come to Jesus, the true Lord, Savior, and Friend...

[quick puzzle's answer: Rick is my double first cousin]

Abandoned, again!

It was still early in the morning when the train entered Jakarta. The city greeted the sunrise with its unwelcoming face. Grey sky covered with smog; tall and short buildings from old to modern look; and roads flooded with all kinds of vehicles and pedestrians. Yes, there were people in the middle of the roads. Apparently, the sidewalks (if there were any) could not contain the rushing people. People just scurried from one side of the road to another without any fear of getting hit - as if they were invincible. Cars, trucks, and buses were competing with each other to use the road. A three-lane road became a five-lane. On top of it, motorcycles swiftly cruised any possible gaps on the road. Everywhere looked like a chaos! A total mess!

The train finally made its final stop. All passengers impatiently raced to get off the train after a long 12-hour ride. When getting off our car, Dad held my arms more tightly than he ever did before. He didn't let go of me even when we exited the station. Perhaps, he had a feeling that he would lose me in this city. And he was right! Because the week after marked a new chapter in my life. I really had no chance of going back to Bali and Dad would have to go alone.

When our cab dropped us off in front of my grandparents' house, I could see Mom waiting at the door. Mom looked different from what I remembered her. Or was it just my imagination? I hadn't seen her for more than a year. Could a long time actually change my memory of Mom? She hugged me tightly and seemed happy to finally meet me. But I wasn't sure about my feeling toward her. A tug-of-war between happiness and disappointment crippled my judgment. I just stood there with no reciprocal action while Mom was hugging me.

Although Mom had bought a small house by the time I was in Jakarta, I had to stay with my grandparents during the visit. Mom's house was way too far from the city and the house was so small that no spare room was available for me. On the other hand, my grandparents lived in a bigger place. They owned a store in the city. The store was a two-story building. Half of the first floor was used for business - a small restaurant and pastry shop (Grandma's homemade!). And the rest of the building was the place they called home.

While I was staying with my grandparents, Mom and my siblings lived far away from the city. For this reason, I didn't spend much time with them. We could only meet once every other day. I felt indifferent about that. Living in Bali had taught me a lesson to not rely on my family. With one big difference, though. Here in Jakarta I still couldn't adjust to the city's lifestyle. There was no street or field where I could play outside, which was never recommended for safety reason. Most of the time, I killed time by playing video game inside the house. Suffocating inside the house made me miss Bali even more.

Things didn't happen as expected. In the final week of my visit, I was so ready to go back to Bali with Dad. Suddenly Mom told me that she wanted me to stay with her in Jakarta. In fact, she had already registered me to a school! I was speechless - shocked and angry! And Dad, whom I hoped would do something about it, seemed helpless. Dad didn't do anything to take me back with him. I had no idea what deal Mom had made with Dad that made him agree to leave me here in Jakarta. What I knew was now Dad left me and went back to Bali by himself. The decision crushed my heart. I felt cheated and trapped. But, what could a ten-year-old boy do to change this unfair situation?

The injustice did not stop there. Mom sent me to a Catholic school located about 15 minutes away from my grandparents' place. In this way, it would make more sense to leave me with my grandparents. So, I ended up living with my grandparents and not with Mom! It defeated the purpose of my moving to Jakarta. In addition, I wasn't the only one living with my grandparents. My sister and four other cousins ended up staying there, since most of them also went to the same school. Suddenly, Grandpa's house was transformed into an orphanage. Not for real orphans, though! Only for children who were abandoned by their parents.

Even a big house like my grandparents' could not accommodate half a dozen kids at the same time. The house became so packed and it definitely didn't have enough room for us all. It was an ancient building - more than a hundred years old. And just like any other old buildings, the bedrooms were small and only one bathroom was available. Grandpa had the biggest bedroom in the house. Accordingly, I had to sleep in his room and share a space with another cousin. Inside the bedroom, we were only given a small corner (yep, not the whole room). In that tight space, my cousin and I stored our clothes, books, and other belongings. The remaining space was barely fit to lay down the thin mattress, our resting place.

I was registered to an afternoon school. The class started at 1PM everyday. This was another new thing I had to get used to, because all the way back from kindergarten I had always gone to a morning school. Mom was trying to get me to the morning school. But, since it was a late registration, all fifth grade classes of the morning school were booked solid. So, my sister and my cousins went to the morning school and I to the afternoon school. That also meant I would spend less time with family again. I went to school by myself, while my sister would go with my cousins. My family had no car. As a consequence, I had to take the Mikrolet (a modified minivan used as a public transportation) to get to school and to get back home. Days were also felt shorter than usual. When the class started, the sun was already on its way to the other half of the earth. When the class ended, the moon was already on the horizon.

This new chapter in life had trained me to be independent. I was forced to take care of myself, or nobody else would. As a ten-year-old boy, I had already gone to many places in the city by myself. My favorite place was always the bookstore near Grandpa's place. I could spend hours and hours of reading in the store. At home, I would do homework without anybody helping. I would eat dinner alone, too. By the time I got home, everyone had had dinner. Gradually, this lifestyle had made me a distant person. From the outside, people would see me as a quiet boy. Deep inside, I was full of bitterness and anger toward my family.